You Can't Go Backwards
by kitty2292
Summary: Victoria is missing Tom and it's making her grumpy. She wanted to start over that morning and do it better this time but, as they always do on the Barkley Ranch, things change in a moment and reality hits hard. Appearances by the whole family and some other major characters. Set near the end of harvest season and shortly after Days of Wrath. Enjoy and as always please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

"Well," Nick smiled and leaned up against the fence in the corral and pushed up his hat. "Good morning Mother. What can I do for you this morning?"

"Good morning," Victoria smiled. "I'm just going to go for a little ride this morning. I felt like getting out and getting some fresh air."

"Well now," Nick straightened his spine and grinned. "There is no better way, that's for sure. I will go saddle Misty Girl for you."

"Thank you," she nodded and chuckled as she watched him head for the barn. "You know," she said when he reappeared a few minutes later. "I wouldn't mind a little company if you have nothing better to do."

Nick frowned when he noticed that his mother's tone seemed like more of a polite brush off than a real offer. "Nothing better that's for sure, but I do have a few things that I need to get done. I'm sorry."

"Oh don't be," Victoria took the reins and waved to signal her indifference. "You just looked so hard at work when I got here."

Nick grinned. "You can't hardly begrudge a man a moment's rest when he catches sight of a lovely lady heading in his direction can you?"

Victoria mounted her horse and looked down at her middle child. "No, I suppose I can't," she smiled wide and spurred her horse toward the gate.

Victoria rode at a quick trot up a short hill and looked back at the ranch. It was always so lovely in the fall. The leaves were changing and everything was so full of color. There was an early chill in the air, but nothing overwhelming. She ambled down toward the river and pulled Misty Girl to a slow walk along the bank. She loved this valley. She thought of all the years that she had been here and all the memories she had made with Tom and the children. She thought of how she and Tom had taken this ride so many times together. She missed him always, but today she felt particularly lonely without him. She couldn't decide if it was just a bad day or because all the children had been home for the past week. She loved when they were all together, but somehow, after a while, having them all together made her painfully aware of Tom's absence and made her miss him all the more. Even Heath had been able to tell that something was amiss with her. That morning at breakfast he had tried to ask her about it and she had grown agitated. Victoria loved Heath and she felt badly she had snapped at him. She looked out at the river and decided she would apologize when he came in for lunch later.

"Thomas Barkley," she said as she pulled Misty Girl to a stop and stared out at the open prairie. "I miss you my love. But, I'm ok and you better just remember that until I get to where you are."

She took one last look around, wiped a tear that had managed to escape, took a deep breath, and finally spurred her horse to home. Just taking the ride that she and Tom did to get away from it all; just talking to him made the loneliness dissipate and she began to feel like herself again. In a way, she was glad Nick had declined her offer to join her on her ride. She prodded Misty Girl to a trot and then to a gallop. She had been riding out to her private place for nearly forty-five minutes, it would only take her twenty-five to make it back if she kept this pace. She felt the chill in the air and her lungs burned with the cold autumn breeze. She loved it. She loved this valley, she loved her home.


	2. Chapter 2

"You heard me Peters, get your things and collect your pay," Nick was growling when Victoria rode back into the corral. "I'm not gonna tell you again."

"It ain't right Nick," the hand slurred and swayed as he took a step toward Nick. "You know how long I've been here, the kind of work I put into this place."

"I told you at least ten times about showing up this way on a Monday morning," Nick's voice was louder. "Now that's it. I have to fire you, I can't have you working like this."

"Nick," Victoria dismounted her horse and walked over to him. "What's wrong."

"Mother," Nick was surprised to see her back. "It's nothing. Peters showed up drunk this morning and now he's out of here."

"I see," Victoria frowned at the hand. "Well, I'll leave you be then." She walked back toward Misty Girl and pulled her to the barn.

"This ain't over Nick, I ain't through talkin' to you," Peters was saying as Victoria disappeared into the barn. She unsaddled Misty Girl and tethered her in her stall. She pondered whether to wait until she heard Peters and Nick walk away or just to ignore them and head to the house. She never wanted Nick to feel like she was interfering with him managing the ranch or looking over his shoulder, so she decided she would head for the house.

"You have seen me fire a dozen men for this," Nick was saying when she got to the door. "You know the rules, you broke them, and you gave me no choice. I gave you more chances than most, you know that."

"Well, I still have a choice," Peters seethed as Victoria exited the barn. "I've still got a choice.

Victoria saw him go for his gun. "Nick," she shouted.

Peters was startled and turned to Victoria gun in hand. The gun went off and Victoria felt a horrible burning sensation in her side. She clutched it as she fell to her knees. By now Nick had drawn his gun, he fired and Peters fell to the ground with a moan. Nick kicked his pistol across the corral and ran to Victoria.

"Mother," he was suddenly on his knees next to her. "Where are you hit?" Nick pulled her hands away and saw the wound she had been covering.

"Nick," Victoria groaned. "I don't understand."

"Just relax, breathe easy Mother, it will help with the pain."

"Nick," they both heard Heath's voice from around the barn.

"Heath, get over here fast," Nick called without taking his eyes off the wound.

"Nick, I heard shots what's going on," Heath rounded the corner of the barn at a jog.

"Peters," Nick growled as he took the handkerchief from around his neck and pressed it hard against Victoria's side. "He shot Mother."

"What," Heath was with them in a moment after that. "Why? How did it happen?"

"Nick," Victoria moaned as she held pressure over the handkerchief and pushed his hand away. "Nick, I don't think he meant to."

"I don't give a damn whether he meant to or not. Come on Heath, we need to get her inside. And then you need to ride into town and get Dr. Merar out here right away."

"Right," Heath nodded and slipped an arm beneath Victoria's and around her waist. "Do you think you can walk," he asked gently.

"I think so," Victoria nodded.

Nick positioned himself to Victoria's other side the same way Heath had and together they hauled Victoria to her feet

"Ah," she cried in pain when she tried to stand straight.

"Heath," Nick put his free hand around the front of Victoria's waist to steady her when she started to fall forward. "Heath, go now, I will get her inside."

"Are you sure," Heath made eye contact with his brother for the first time since he came upon the scene.

"I'm sure," Nick was fuming and his eyes seemed like they were on fire. "And Heath," he added a bit more softly as Heath turned to go. "Please hurry."

Heath turned back to them, squeezed his brother's shoulder and kissed Victoria's temple. "I'll be back just as soon as I can. I promise." With that, he turned around and ran into the barn for his horse.

"Here Mother," Nick scooped Victoria into his arms. "Let's get you in the house."

"Oh Nick," she laid her head on his shoulder and wrapped one arm around his shoulders. "I'm so sorry."


	3. Chapter 3

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Nick scolded. "This was not your fault." He held her tight and went for the house as quickly as he could. "Silas," he bellowed as he shoved the door open. "Silas, I need your help."

"Yes Mr. Nick," Silas appeared from the direction of the kitchen. "Mrs. Barkley," he cried and ran to meet them.

"Silas," Nick interrupted. "Heath went for the doctor. I need you to get Audra and the two of you stay with her until the doctor gets here."

"Nick," Audra appeared suddenly at the bannister. "Mother," she screeched. "What happened?" She ran down stairs.

"Mother's been shot," Nick shook his head.

"I'll get the room ready," Silas hurried up the stairs faster than Nick had seen the old man move in ages. "Bring her on up here."

"Come on Audra," Nick nodded to his sister and started for the stairs.

Audra put one hand on her mother and one hand around Nick's waist, the way she had seen her mother do so many times when any of them were hurt or sick. In that moment, she finally understood the gesture. She could feel her mother relax at her touch and she could feel something in Nick too. It was not relaxed to be sure, but it was almost like a relief that helped him regain the strength to carry Victoria upstairs. She understood that her mother did this to feel what her children were feeling, to lend them her own strength and be a participant.

"Here," Audra went for her mother's bedroom door and held it open.

"Sis," Nick sat Victoria on the bed. "I need you to stay with her and keep the pressure up on that wound. Heath will be back as soon as he can."

"Right," Audra nodded. "Silas will you bring some water and fresh towels. I will clean it up now and we will make sure we have what we need for when Doc Merar gets here."

"Yes Miss Audra," Silas nodded and left the room with the water pitcher.

"Mother," Nick sat next to her on the bed and held her hand. "You are going to be ok."

"It's ok Nick," she smiled. "I know you have to go. I'll be here."

Nick squeezed her hand, kissed it and then bent down and kissed her cheek. "I know, I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Where are you going," Audra whispered when he stood up and kissed Audra's forehead.

"I have to go take care of the body," he whispered back. "I can't leave him lying in the corral until the sheriff comes."

"Alright," Audra nodded. "I understand."

"Send Silas if there's a problem," Nick told her and then went to the door.

"Here we are," Silas appeared a moment later with the water and towels. He set them on the bedside table and watched as Audra set to work.

"I have to clean it," Audra looked at her mother as Victoria squeezed her eyes shut and nodded. Audra ripped Victoria's blouse so that the wound was better exposed. She wet a towel and pulled away Nick's handkerchief. There was a lot of blood but less than Audra had thought there could be. She hoped that was a good sign. She gently wiped at the wound and squeezed her own eyes closed when she heard Victoria groan in pain. "I'm sorry," she said quietly and resumed her cleaning of the wound."

"Just do it Audra," her mother's voice was stern but shaking.

Audra finished cleaning the wound and then took a dry cloth and pressed it tight to the wound. She held it tightly while Silas took a long length of bandage and tied it tightly around Victoria's stomach to hold the pressure. Then she and Silas helped Victoria to lay back on the bed. Audra fluffed the pillows and Silas took the old cloth, Nick's handkerchief and the water basin out to bring in fresh for when the doctor arrived.

"Just relax," Audra squeezed her mother's hand and played with her hair. "Heath should be here anytime."

"I know," Victoria sighed. "Audra,"

"What is it," Audra tried not to let panic creep into her voice even though the feeling was overwhelming. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Victoria shook her head. "I just want you to know," she shifted on the bed and grimaced in pain. "I just want you to know that I love you so much."

"I love you too," Audra kissed Victoria's cheek. "But there will be plenty of time for all of that once you are up and around."

Victoria nodded and closed her eyes. She didn't want to move and she didn't want to breathe too hard. Everything hurt. So, she breathed deliberately slow and started to pray. She couldn't go, not yet. She had things to do. But Tom, Tom was waiting for her and she could feel it. She felt guilty; she had missed him so much this morning, even said she was waiting to be with him again; it was less than an hour ago. Now she was pushing away, she was pushing away from being with him. But it was too soon. She couldn't go yet. The children, they needed her.


	4. Chapter 4

"Doc," Heath went busting into the doctor's office. "Doc."

"Heath," Merar stood from his desk, surprised to see the young man. "What's wrong my boy?"

"Mother," Heath managed, trying hard to catch his breath. "She was shot. You need to come," Heath was heaving."

"My God," the doctor's eyes grew wide. "I'll get my bag and head out. You get Fred and tell him to meet us there too and catch up."

Heath shook his head and headed out. Merar grabbed his bag and went out back. He had been prepared to make some rounds anyway and already had his horse saddled. He had merely forgotten to finish some paperwork and decided to delay a few minutes. He knew Victoria was lucky. He had planned on heading in the opposite direction.

"Fred," Heath burst into the sheriff's office the same way he had the doctor's. Only now he was out of breath from running rather than riding.

"Heath, what's going on," Fred frowned.

"Mother was shot," Heath managed. "Got Doc. You need to come."

"What," Fred jumped up, grabbed his hat and followed Heath out. "I've got to get my horse."

"I will see you there," Heath was running again. "Got to get Jarrod."

"That boy better slow down a might," Fred muttered. "He is gonna need to breathe again before tomorrow."

"Jarrod," Heath threw open the door of Jarrod's office.

"Heath," Jarrod jumped up when he saw his brother. "What is it."

"Mother. Ranch. Now," Heath clutched his stomach and struggled for air.

"Breathe Heath," there was a fear in Jarrod's voice as he crossed the room. Heath's demeanor and his breathing were enough to let Jarrod know that whatever the trouble was, it was bad.

"No time," Heath heaved. "Go on, I'll catch up."

"No," Jarrod grabbed his hat and patted his brother's shoulder. "I'm not going without you. Besides, you haven't told me what happened yet."

Heath shook his head as oxygen finally started to reach his lungs again. "No, go now." He paused and took another long breath. "She's been shot," he finally managed.

"What," it took everything in Jarrod not to bolt from the office at that very moment. "What do you mean? By who? Why?"

"Jarrod," Heath straightened himself up and his breathing was nearly normalized. "Come on, I'll explain on the way."

Jarrod went to the livery stable and saddled Jingo while Heath went back to Merar's office and mounted Charger. Heath met Jarrod at the livery stable and they started toward the ranch at a trot.

* * *

"Now," Jarrod glanced at Heath when they had gotten away from the noises of town. "What happened?"

"Nick was telling Peters to hit the road. Fired him for showing up drunk again," Heath explained, his breathing finally starting to normalize. "I was out in the pasture behind the barn checking the fence posts and waiting until he finished. I couldn't hear what was going on, but Nick asked me to wait because then we were going to ride through the East end and check the watering holes out in that section together."

"Ok," Jarrod prodded him to continue.

"Mother had been out riding. I saw her ride up but didn't think much of it. I'm not sure exactly how it happened. I heard mother yell to Nick and then I heard two shots. I went running as fast as I could. I called to Nick and he called back and told me Mother had been shot. When I got to them, they were in front of the barn and Peters was dead."

"Heath," Jarrod's voice was serious and almost hollow. "Heath, how bad is it?"

"I don't know," Heath shook his head. "She was conscious. She was talking. That's all I know for sure. Now, let's go," Heath spurred Charger to a gallop.

Jarrod followed suit and soon, the ranch was coming into view. Jarrod pushed Jingo as hard as he dared and watched as the ranch grew closer and closer. He was filled with fear for his mother and a deep-seated hatred for Peters. He had been coming there for years to work at harvest time, he had been good to the Barkleys and they had been good to him too. Peters had always liked Victoria and Jarrod could not fathom why he would do it; why would he shoot Victoria over a disagreement with Nick? He had just lost the love of his life three months ago, he couldn't lose his mother too. "Please," he prayed. "Please let her be alright."

When Jarrod and Heath got there, Fred was in the corral with Nick and Merar had just disappeared through the front door of the house.

"Nick," Jarrod called as he dismounted Jingo. "Nick, how is she?"

"She will be fine," Nick tried to sound certain. "Audra is with her and Doc just went in. Go on up if you want," Nick nodded toward the house.

Jarrod looked at the house and then to Fred. "Do you need me here for now Fred."

"No," Fred shook his head. "I will wait until you come back down. See your mother."

"Thanks," Jarrod took off at a sprint for the house.

"I better get these horses taken care of," Heath said as he pulled Jingo and Charger toward the watering trough.

"I'll give you a hand,' Fred offered.

"That's alright Fred," Heath smiled. "It will give me something to do."

"I understand," Fred nodded as Heath waited for the horses to have their fill of water and absently brushed at Charger's mane. "I'm glad you are able to form complete sentences again."

Heath gave a half-hearted grin. "By the time I made it to Jarrod's it was one word at a time."

"What are you talking about," Nick frowned and was clearly impatient to get things over with.

"That brother of yours," Fred turned back to Nick. "He ran from Merar's place to mine. He was so out of breath, I'm surprised he is still up right."

"I feel bad for Charger," Nick tried to joke. "He must have ridden that poor horse half to death."

"He can take it," Heath permitted himself a chuckle and led the horses into the barn.

"Sheriff," Nick started when Heath disappeared. "We really don't…"

"I know," Fred put up his hand and interrupted. "I am sure Jarrod doesn't need to be here too, but let's just wait anyway. It will make him feel better and me too."

"Why you," Nick was fully prepared to go on defense.

"Because," Fred shook his head. "If the public prosecutor decides to overrule me just to make a point, then Jarrod has been here the whole time. The guy is dying to make a name for himself and I don't want him picking on you to do it. Jarrod has always been able to talk more sense to him."

"Ah," Nick answered disgustedly. "You don't really think he will do that over this do you?"

"No," Fred shook his head. "But I'm not taking any chances either."

"I suppose," Nick sighed and leaned against the fence, watching the house for any sign of his brother.

Meanwhile, Heath was in the barn unsaddling the horses. He took care of Charger first and made sure he had plenty of feed in his bucket. "You did good boy," he patted the horses neck and nuzzled his mane. "You did good." Next, he pulled Jingo into his stall and unsaddled him. When he threw the saddle over the side of the stall he saw Misty Girl right where she belonged. He suddenly realized what must have happened. Mother must have been coming out of the barn and saw Peters about to shoot Nick. It explained how it must have happened; she had warned Nick and Peters had shot her instead. Mother had said she didn't think he meant to do it. Had she simply startled him? Nick was right, it didn't matter, all that mattered now was that Mother was ok.


	5. Chapter 5

"Doc," Jarrod called when he entered the house.

"Come on Jarrod," Merar was at the top of the stairs with Silas. "Let's get in there."

Jarrod bounded up the stairs past Merar and Silas and burst into his mother's room. "Mother," he collapsed to his knees next to the bed.

"I'm ok," Victoria's voice was weak. "I'm going to be fine."

Jarrod looked up and locked eyes with his mother. "The doctor is here," he tried to smile. "I just had to see you first," he took her hand and squeezed it gently.

"Good," Victoria nodded and pulled his hand to her lips. "Then get out of here and let the man do his job."

Jarrod smiled for real and released her hand. "Yes indeed lovely lady."

"I'll be back in a moment," Audra assured her mother and nodded to Silas and Merar while she followed Jarrod out. "I'm glad you came back," she threw her arms around him.

"It's gonna be ok sweetheart," he squeezed her tight. "She will be ok."

"I know," Audra looked up at him. "But I'm still glad that you came."

"Me too. Are you going to be ok with the doctor?"

"Of course," Audra nodded and released him slowly. "Why?"

"Fred is outside with Nick. I want to go out and help him get things straightened out. If you need something…"

"Don't worry," Audra put a hand on his shoulder. "Mother and I have done this together a hundred times. You boys are accident prone."

"Sure are," he kissed her cheek and headed for the stairs. "Call if you need us."

Audra turned around and saw Silas leaving the room. "Is something wrong?"

"No," Silas shook his head. "I just made sure Doctor Merar has what he be needin'. I don't want Mrs. Barkley to be uncomfortable with me in there while he's lookin' her over."

"Silas," Audra smiled and moved toward the door. "You are a wonderful friend."

"Thank you Miss Audra," he nodded. "I'll be here if you needs somethin', you just holler."

"Alright," Audra smiled and went back into her mother's bedroom.

"I have to dig it out Victoria," Merar was examining the wound closely. "I'll give you something to cut the pain, but I don't want to put you to sleep."

"Why not," Audra asked obviously concerned.

"I want to monitor her vitals," Merar never looked up from the wound. "It is easier if she is awake. The bullet is down in there and it may take a while."

"I understand," Victoria nodded. "Can we just get this over with."

Merar looked up and smiled. "Yes indeed. Audra, will you bring me the laudanum from my bag please," he nodded to the bag on the floor.

Audra did as he asked and found a spoon on a tray of coffee Silas had brought up earlier. "What else can I do to help you doctor?"

"I need you to stay and help her be still," the doctor answered as he cleaned his hands and his instruments in the basin. "Talk to her. Hold her hand. Hold her down, whatever it takes. Do you understand?"

"I do," she nodded and sat on the bed next to her mother. She took her hand and screwed her face into the best smile she could. "I never thought I would have to do this for you."

"Neither did I," Victoria smiled back. "Your brothers are so accident prone. I suppose my luck finally ran out though."

"Oh no," Audra shook her head as Victoria swallowed the laudanum Merar had put to her lips. "It was just on break earlier," she teased. "Now it will be working overtime."

Victoria smiled and closed her eyes. "I'm ready doctor," she said. "The pain is not so bad now."

"Alright," Merar bent down, glanced at Audra and gave her a nod and then set to work. "Audra, talk," he said.

"Mother," Audra struggled for what to say. "Did I tell you that Elaine Miller is expecting a baby. It is very exciting news. She and Ted have been trying for so long. I do hope this is the first of many. We will have to go shopping one day and get her something nice."

Victoria nodded and tried to focus on Audra's words. "Her mother told me. Do you know how far along she is?"

"Oh," Audra smiled. "Nearly five months now. She wanted to wait to tell people since they have had so much trouble."

"Mmm," Victoria nodded and squeezed Audra's hand tightly.

"Ted is hoping for a little boy of course and I think Elaine would like that too. She told me yesterday that she felt the baby move on Sunday. Mother, she asked if I would be the baby's godmother."

"That's wonderful dear," Victoria managed through gritted teeth. "Did you say yes?"

"Oh of course," Audra smiled. "I was so honored that she even asked me."

"Hold her still," Merar broke in as Victoria began to squirm.

"Hang on," Audra squeezed her mother's hand and laid her other arm tightly over her mother's midsection above where Merar was working.

"I can see it Victoria," Merar assured her. "Just hang on a few minutes more.

"Mmmmm," Victoria nodded and squeezed her eyes shut tight again. "Oh, it hurts again."

"Just a bit longer," Audra assured her and bent her head down near Victoria's, putting all her weight into holding her still. "You will feel better when he gets it out."


	6. Chapter 6

"How is she," Nick called when he saw Jarrod reappear out of the house.

"She will be fine," Jarrod nodded. "Merar is with her now."

"Alright," Fred sighed. "Are you boys ready to get this over with then?"

"I've been ready," Nick scowled.

"Come on Nick," Heath's voice was calm and he was reclining against the corral fence opposite Nick and Fred. "Don't tell it angry."

"Why not," Nick howled. "I am angry. I was angry then and I'm going to stay angry until that woman is as good as new."

"Nick," Jarrod scolded. "Don't take it out on Heath. He's only trying to help."

"Nick," Fred cut in. "Just tell me what happened and then we will go have a look at the body."

"Right," Nick nodded. He told Fred how he had saddled Misty Girl and his mother went riding. He told her how he and Heath had been going to check water holes in the East end of the property. He told him that he had asked Heath to check the fence posts they had put up Saturday in the pasture behind the barn because he had seen Peters was drunk and he knew that he had to be fired. He told Fred how Peters had been showing up that way after the weekends and that he had warned him about it several times. Peters had been there for years so he had tried to talk to him about it and given him more chances than most. Peters was mad when Victoria had come riding back. She had taken Misty Girl into the barn and the next thing Nick knew she was standing just outside the barn door and yelled his name. Nick said he had looked away from Peters and was going to let him fume because he thought Peters was going to try to fight him with fisticuffs. "I turned around when I heard her call," he walked to where Victoria had been standing. "She was here and I saw Peters turn to her and fire. I pulled my gun and shot him," Nick concluded.

"Heath," Fred turned to look at him. "What did you hear?"

"Well," Heath stayed where he was. "I saw mother come riding in. The next thing I heard was her scream Nick's name and two shots. When I came around the corner, Peters was dead and Nick was with Mother."

"Where was Peters' body," Fred asked.

Nick walked to the spot. "Here," he answered matter-of-factly. "I wrapped up his body and put it on the wagon," he nodded to a buckboard wagon sitting in the corner of the corral.

"Heath, is that where you saw the body," Fred asked.

"Sure is sheriff," Heath confirmed.

"Alright," Fred nodded, let's have a look at the body.

The four men went to the buckboard wagon and Fred uncovered Peters' lifeless body. Sure enough, there was an obvious bullet wound on the right side of his chest. Peters' gun was on the wagon too and Fred checked the chamber. Only one bullet was missing. Fred asked to see Nick's gun and Nick obliged. Like Peters', there was only one bullet missing from Nick's gun.

"Seems clear enough to me," Fred nodded. "Justifiable self-defense. One bullet in your mother and one in Peters."

"She said she didn't think he meant it," Nick scoffed.

"Nick," Jarrod's eyes widened. "Do you mean you think this was an accident."

"No," Nick growled. "I just think that he meant to shoot me and not her and I think she thinks that too."

"That may be," Fred shook his head. "But as far as I'm concerned, he meant to shoot someone and so your shooting him was justified. Do you see a problem with that Jarrod?"

"Not when you put it like that sheriff," Jarrod's tone quieted and his body relaxed. "It could be Mother startled him while he was squeezing the trigger and aimed at Nick, he turned and the bullet fired at her instead. Transferred Intent."

"Either way, he got what he had coming," Heath's voice was still low and calm.

"Agreed. If you boys don't mind, I'll take the wagon into town and come back with it and pick up my horse then."

"Sure thing," Jarrod told him. "And, you will speak to the public prosecutor?"

"Of course," Fred nodded and climbed into the wagon. "I'll let you know when I get back." And with that he was headed for town with Peters' body it tow.

"You gonna be ok Nick," Jarrod moved closer to his younger brother.

Nick frowned. "He was here for years Jarrod. He loved our mother. What changed?"

"Come on Nick," Jarrod cautiously laid a hand on his shoulder. "You said yourself that he might not have meant to shoot her."

"But he never would have raised his gun at me sober either," Nick shook his head. "It doesn't make any sense. Why did he do it? Why didn't he talk to me about it?"

"Sometimes a man can't do it," Jarrod frowned. "Sometimes he just can't reach out and he self-destructs instead."

"Ah," Nick pulled away. "The whole thing doesn't make sense. Peters coming in drunk; Mother laying upstairs with a bullet in her. None of it is right Jarrod. Everything is going wrong and it's all my fault."

"You can't blame yourself Nick," Heath shook his head.

"And you," Nick turned and pointed a finger. "What's with you Heath. How can you sit there and be so calm?"

"What good will getting loud and obnoxious do me Nick," Heath was quiet. "I am sitting here trying not to lose my mind. It won't help Mother. There's nothing I can do but pray right now."

"Heath is right," Jarrod nodded. "Now, let's go inside. We will all sit down, have a drink, and CALMLY wait for Doc Merar to finish."

"I take it that emphasis is for me," Nick growled. "Well let me tell you something. Heath is right. There was nothing he could have done and nothing he could do now. The same goes for you. But if I would have taken her horse. If I would have sent her inside. If I would have waited until later to talk to Peters, none of this would have happened. If anything happens to that woman it will be my fault and I can't do anything to fix it," his voice was loud and stern but Jarrod knew his brother was on the edge of breaking down.

"Nick," Jarrod felt tears prick at his own eyes. "Nick, you cannot think that way. You did everything you could. You couldn't know Peters would go for his gun. You couldn't know he would shoot at you or that Mother would ride in when she did. You can't blame yourself."

"Come on Brother," Heath wrapped a firm arm around Nick's shoulders and fought as he tried to pull away. "Let's go in and see what's going on. Let's have that drink."

"Fine," Nick managed to break free and headed for the house ahead of the other two.

"I hate to see him this way," Jarrod whispered to Heath. "He will torture himself."

"Once he sees that Mother is ok, he will get better," Heath answered. "Until then, you're right; he will torture himself and there is nothing that we can do about it."


	7. Chapter 7

When Jarrod and Heath got to the house," Nick had a glass full of whiskey and he was pacing the foyer looking up at his mother's closed bedroom door. Jarrod poured himself a scotch, went to the stairs and sat down on the second step. Heath poured himself whiskey and leaned against the bannister at the end at the bottom step, opposite Jarrod. His eyes moved back and forth from the closed door to Nick pacing in front of him. No one said a word and they all looked toward the door with every sound whether it came from there or not. Suddenly Merar and Audra appeared in the doorway. Merar mumbled something to her and she closed the door behind him.

"Doc," Heath was the first to pose the question. "How is she?"

"Well Heath," Merar sighed but smiled. "I think that she will be just fine in a week or two. "She will be tired for a while, she lost a lot of blood."

"How bad was it doctor?" Jarrod inquired.

"The bullet was deep," Merar shook his head. "But there was no major internal damage and I was able to remove the bullet entirely."

"You said you think," everyone recognized the doubt in Nick's voice. "Is she going to be ok or not?"

"Nick," Merar was calm and collected. "She WILL be ok. She will live and she will make a full recovery. I THINK it will take a week or two. That's all."

"Do you expect any complications," Jarrod asked, trying to reassure his brother indirectly that everything would be ok now.

"I don't," Merar shook his head again. "I will come around tomorrow to check on her and as long as everything looks good, and I fully expect it will, then I will pop by every couple of days until she is sick of me."

"Can we see her Doc," Heath allowed the slightest bit of desperation to creep into his voice.

Merar nodded. "She is quite insistent about seeing all of you. Audra is helping her get presentable and then she will let you know. Please try to keep it short and one at a time boys. I know how you feel, but she needs to get some rest and build her strength up."

"Thanks Doc," Jarrod smiled and followed the old man to the door. "We really appreciate you coming as fast as you did."

"Of course Jarrod," he smiled and pushed his hat onto his head. "I'll see you tomorrow. Boys," he nodded to Nick and Heath.

"Nick," Audra called from the balcony. She nodded toward her mother's door which was ajar when Nick looked up at her and he bounded up the stairs without a word.

"Take it easy," she caught his arm. "She is ok now Nick," she whispered as he disappeared into the bedroom.

"Mother," he tried to stay calm as he walked to the bed.

"Nick," she smiled and reached her hand up for his. Nick took her hand and collapsed to his knees next to the bed. "Nick, it's ok," she used her free hand to pat his hair as he wept into the covers. "It's ok now."

"I'm sorry," he tried to regain his composure. "I'm so sorry."

"Nick, it's not your fault," she told him softly.

"I was so afraid," he finally heaved a sigh and ceased his crying. "I was so afraid I was going to lose you."

"I know," she squeezed his hand tighter and let her other hand slide down his face and wipe at his tears. "But I'm ok now."

"How did you know," he blinked away his remaining tears and maneuvered himself up onto the bed next to her.

"How did I know what," she asked.

"How did you know that you were going to be ok?"

"Hmmm," Victoria sighed. "I just did. It's hard to explain."

Nick nodded clearly dissatisfied with her answer. "The doctor said you needed to rest. I will leave you alone. But I'll come back and check on you after a while."

"Could you send Heath and Jarrod up," she smiled. "I want to see them too before I rest."

"Alright," Nick patted her hand, released it, and kissed her forehead. "I love you Mother."

"I love you too Nick," she smiled and watched him go.

Nick pulled the door nearly closed and took a moment to compose himself and wipe his face with his handkerchief. Then he smiled and bellowed as loud as he could. "Where's Jarrod?"

Jarrod appeared from the living room and eyed the smile on his brother's face. He couldn't help but smile himself as the quiet scold came from their mother's room. "Nick, must you shout?"

"What is it," Jarrod met his brother at the top of the stairs.

"She wants to see you," Nick smiled. "I had to give her something," he added in a whisper and trotted down the stairs.

Jarrod entered his mother's bedroom and found her grinning from ear to ear and shaking her head. "I hate when he does that," she greeted Jarrod.

"Really," he smiled and sat down next to her. "You could have fooled me."

"Is everything ok," she asked seriously. "Fred was here and took care of everything?"

"Yes indeed," Jarrod kissed her hand and stroked her hair. "He is taking Peters' body to town and then he will be back for his horse. There is nothing to worry about now," he assured her.

"I'm glad," she nodded. "Would you do something for me while I'm stuck in this bed though?"

"Of course, what is it?"

"Make sure that your brother takes care of himself," she answered. "Nick has a tendency to wear himself thin when someone is recovering and he feels responsible. Don't let him make himself sick over this please?"

"I will do my best," Jarrod nodded. "Can I get you anything?"

"No," she shook her head. "Just send Heath up please."

"Of course," he leaned down and kissed her cheek. "I will come back and check on you a bit later."

"Right," she nodded and he got up to leave.

Heath was waiting at the top of the stairs when Jarrod came out. "Is she up to seeing me too," he asked quietly.

"Of course," Jarrod nodded. "You know she wouldn't rest without seeing all of us," he was puzzled by Heath's anxious expression.

"Right," Heath only half smiled and then headed for Victoria's door. "Mother," he asked without leaving the doorway.

"Heath," she smiled. "Come here," she reached her hand out.

Heath walked over slowly, took her hand, and knelt next to the bed. "How are you feeling Mother?"

"I'm tired," she frowned. "But I feel much better now."

"Good," he lowered his eyes and looked at the bed. "Doc says you are going to be just fine in a week or so."

"Yes," she nodded and squeezed his hand. "Heath, I'm sorry that I snapped at you this morning. I shouldn't have."

"It's alright," he kissed her hand. "I shouldn't pry into things that aren't my business."

"No," Victoria grabbed his chin in her free hand and tilted his head so she could look at his eyes. "Heath, you are the only one of the children who notices when I am in that particular mood. I love that about you, but you see, it is what makes you so much like your father."

Heath tilted his head to the side in a puzzled gesture. "Oh, I didn't realize."

"Sometimes," she stroked his cheek. "Sometimes, I miss your father more than I think I can bear. That is when I get that way, when I am lonely or longing for something. Your father could always tell, and now when I miss him, you can tell."

"And when I ask what is wrong, it makes you miss him all the more," Heath finished the thought as understanding suddenly flashed across his face.

"mmmhmmm," Victoria sighed. "But that is no call for me to be upset or short with you. It is one of the things that makes you such a wonderful man and I should never discourage that."

"I will do better," Heath kissed her cheek. "Next time, I promise I will try to remember not to ask. I will just hug you instead."

"I'd like that," Victoria smiled and felt the tears welling in the corners of her eyes. "And I promise that if you DO ask I will try not to be upset."

"We will both have to do better," Heath grinned and squeezed her hand again.

"I thought I was going to get to see him again today," she leaned her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes. "And even though every part of me wants that more than anything, something in me couldn't give up the fight."

"The part of you that knows he wouldn't want you to," Heath nodded. "Besides, what in the world would the rest of us do without you?"

Victoria smiled, "I don't know. You are always getting into mischief."

"Just trying to keep our mother young," Heath smiled and kissed her cheek again. "You should rest now. I will come back and check on you later."

"Mmmm," Victoria felt him let go of her hand but she was already drifting off to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

"Well," Nick said when Heath made it to the bottom of the stairs.

"She is fine," Heath nodded. "She is sleeping now."

"Good," Audra chimed in. "Doctor Merar said that she needed to rest some."

"She has been through a lot," Jarrod concurred. "I'm just glad that she is going to be ok."

"Me too," Heath nodded.

"I am starving," Nick complained. "Let's get some lunch."

"I'll see what we have," Audra disappeared through the dining room into the kitchen and found Silas hard at work putting together lunch like he always did.

"Silas," Audra smiled. "You are so wonderful. The boys were just saying they were hungry."

"Yes Miss Audra," Silas nodded. "I figured they would be. Lunch will be ready in a few minutes."

"Thank you Silas," Audra turned to go.

"Excuse me Miss Audra," Silas called after her and stopped what he was doing.

"Yes," she turned around and smiled at him.

"Is Mrs. Barkley gonna be alright," the concern and impatience was clear on the old man's face. "I heard Doc Merar go."

"Oh Silas," Audra frowned. "I am so sorry I didn't come and tell you. She is going to be just fine. She just needs a little rest and she will be in bed about a week, maybe two."

"Thank you Miss Audra," Silas returned to his work. "That sure is good news."

"Silas," she put her hand on his shoulder. "You must have heard us in the parlor. Why didn't you come ask us?"

"It ain't really my place Miss Audra," the man shook his head. "It wasn't really my place now either."

"Nonsense," she smiled and Silas was immediately at ease. "Silas, you have been here a long time. You are just like family and none of us would say you were out of place to ask about or worry about any of us."

"Normally Miss Audra," Silas nodded. "I might be tempted to agree with you. But it's different this time."

"What do you mean," Audra was confused.

Silas looked away and murmured. "Mr. Peters' been here a long time too."

"Oh Silas," Audra put her arms around his shoulders. "I know you would never do anything like that and so do my brothers. We love you and you can always ask us anything."

"Thank you Miss Audra," he smiled when she released him. "Tell the boys lunch will be ready in about five minutes."

"Of course," she smiled and went out.


	9. Chapter 9

"Fred," Jarrod greeted the sheriff when he arrived back at the ranch by mid-afternoon.

"Jarrod," Fred pulled off his hat and stepped inside. "Listen, I talked to the public prosecutor and everything is gonna be fine."

"Great," Jarrod heaved a long overdue sigh of relief. "He agreed then that it was justifiable?"

"Yep," Fred nodded. "Told me that even he would shoot someone that shot his mother and it wouldn't matter if he shot him in the back, no jury would ever convict. He said he knew this was justified."

"Glad to hear it," Jarrod patted his old friend's shoulder. "Can I get you a drink Fred?"

"Sure," Fred followed Jarrod to the living room. "Doc Merar says he expects your mother to make a full recovery too. That's wonderful."

"Yes," Jarrod concurred and handed Fred a glass of whiskey. "I would say we got pretty lucky the whole way around."

"Sounds right to me, Barkley luck" Fred sipped his whiskey. "I'm sure glad it turned out ok. I just can't figure why Peters would shoot any of you though."

"I know," Jarrod shook his head. "It doesn't seem like him at all."

"Well, I guess we aren't going to know now. Is Nick around? I would kind of like to give him the news myself."

"Right," Jarrod nodded. "I think that he is out in the bunk house packing up Peters' things."

"Why," Fred was confused. "Surely someone else could have taken care of that."

"Well," Jarrod sighed. "Nick likes to do things himself, besides he needed something near the house to keep him busy. He wants to stick close right now even though we know she is going to be ok," he nodded toward the stairs. "But he needed work to keep himself occupied."

"I suppose that does sound like Nick," Fred shook his head. "I'll find him."

* * *

"I said out," Nick growled without looking up.

"Nick," Fred's voice was calm.

"Oh," Nick looked up briefly. "Sorry Fred, I asked the guys to make themselves scarce for a bit while I took care of Peters' stuff."

"Sure," Fred was struck by the fact that Nick was reading a letter while the rest of Peters' gear was packed and sitting on the end of the bunk. "You learnin' anything?"

"Actually," Nick sighed. "I think I understand now."

"What is it," Fred asked and walked a few paces closer.

"This letter is from his wife, written a couple months ago," Nick shook his head. "Not only had she met someone new after almost fifteen years. Their daughter caught pneumonia and lost the baby she was carrying. That's a lot to level on a man all at one time," Nick handed Fred the letter.

"I'll say, seems to make his reason for drinking pretty plain," Fred read the note for himself.

"I'm not sure I would care who I went after in that state either," Nick shook his head.

"No," Fred agreed. "I suppose none of us would if we weren't in our right mind."

"What did you find out in town," Nick sighed and stood up from the bunk.

"You're clear," Fred assured him. "Public prosecutor agrees that it was justified. There won't be an inquest or any charges."

"Good," Nick nodded and picked up the gear. "I guess I should send this to his daughter," Nick sighed. "His wife won't want it now."

"I'll take care of it," Fred took the pack from Nick. "It's my job to wire them and tell them about it anyway. I will make sure this gets to the right place."

"I appreciate that Fred," Nick nodded and released his grip on the gear pack.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm just fine," Nick growled indignantly. "I did what I had to do and that's just Peters' rotten luck I suppose."

"Ok," Fred took the hint to let it lay. "I'll just get my horse and I'll be off then. I left the wagon in the corral."

"Thanks Fred," Nick nodded again more softly. "I'll walk over with you and take care of it."

The two men walked to the corral together. Heath had seen the sheriff ride up and already had his horse saddled and waiting for him. He was working on stowing the buckboard when Nick and Fred walked into the corral. Fred thanked Heath and shook both boys' hands. Then he mounted his horse and headed back to town.

"What did he have to say," Heath asked cautiously when Fred had disappeared from sight.

"No charges and no inquest," Nick sighed a heavy sigh of relief. "Seems that even the prosecutor believes my actions were justified."

"Good," Heath nodded and went back to the wagon.

"Let me help you with that," Nick offered and started pushing the wagon into the barn with Heath.

"Thanks Nick," Heath smiled. Once the wagon was inside he added. "Hey, you've been at it since lunch. Why don't you go in and see how Mother is doing? I am sure she would love that, if she's awake again."

Nick shook his head, "No, no, I don't want to wake her yet. I will check on her before dinner."

"Well then go on in and do that paperwork that you haven't done for two weeks," Heath waved him off.

"If I didn't know better, I would say you're trying to get rid of me," Nick frowned and crossed his arms. "What's your game boy?"

"Nothing," Heath shook his head. "I just think that you ought to be even closer in case she wakes up and wants to talk to you. You wouldn't want to keep her waiting would you?"

"Point Heath," Nick frowned and walked toward the house. "Hey, wait a minute," he stopped and looked at Heath. "What about you? What are you going to do?"

"I'm gonna give the horses a good rub down and brushing," Heath nodded to the barn. "Charger and Jingo did some hard riding today. Wouldn't be bad for Misty Girl either."

"Hmmm," Nick nodded and headed for the house again.

"Nick," Jarrod was nearly hit in the nose with the door. "I was just coming to find you."

"What is it," Nick asked excitedly.

"Mother is awake," Jarrod smiled trying to reassure his brother. "She is asking to see you."

"Right," Nick trotted up the stairs and found the door to Victoria's bedroom open.

"Nick," Victoria smiled from her position on the bed. "Audra that's enough," his sister had been propping Victoria up with pillows.

"Alright," Audra shook her head. "I hope you know Nick that our mother is a terrible patient," she leaned down and kissed her mother's hair.

"Well of course," Nick smiled when his sister turned to look at him. "She is a Barkley through and through."

"I'll leave you alone," Audra gave Nick's arm a squeeze and headed for the door.

"Well my dear," Nick sat down on the edge of the bed and took Victoria's hand. "How are we feeling and how might I be of service?"

Victoria smiled. "I feel alright, sore but alright. I wanted to talk to you about Peters," she said solemnly.

"What about him," Nick forced himself to hold a cheery expression.

"I want to know why he did it Nick," she shook her head. "It wasn't like him. He wouldn't have done something like that."

"He was drunk," Nick frowned. "He didn't care what happened when he was in that state. He had let himself go."

"Yes, but why," Victoria prodded. "I don't understand, I need to know why." Nick stood up and paced the floor. "Nick," her voice was firm. "What do you know?"

"I found a letter when I was cleaning up his gear," Nick confessed. "It came in about two months ago, just after he came up for the harvest."

"Who was it from," Victoria chided.

"His wife," Nick continued to pace. "Apparently she was leaving him for someone else."

"That's awful," Victoria shook her head. "But that doesn't explain it for me."

"There is more," Nick stopped momentarily and then resumed his pace. "She told him in the same letter how their daughter, only sixteen, had caught pneumonia while she was pregnant. She lost the baby," Nick stopped and looked at his mother.

"I see," she sighed. "Now I think I understand. I just wish it hadn't ended up this way."

"So do I," Nick's voice was low. "I wish we could start the day over again.

Victoria looked over at her vanity and caught sight of a picture of her and Tom on their last anniversary. "You can't go back," she said. "That's been my lesson today. We can't go back and do things over, even if we want to."

"No," Nick shook his head. "What do you mean, your lesson today?"

"Oh, I was having a bad morning," she sighed. "I wanted to back up and start over. That's why I went for the ride, to clear my head."

"Well," Nick smiled sadly. "I don't think it got any better, did it?"

"No," Victoria smiled herself. "But, I learned the lesson, didn't I?"

"I guess so," Nick went back and sat next to her on the bed.

Victoria forced herself to lean forward through the pain and wrapped her arms around Nick's neck. She had been craving that feeling ever since she woke up a little while ago, she finally felt like she would truly be ok.


	10. Chapter 10

"Well, well," Dr. Merar smiled as Silas showed him to the parlor. "I see someone has had enough of her bedroom," he smiled when he saw Victoria sitting on the sofa with Audra.

"Yes Doctor," Victoria smiled. "I simply could not stay in that bed one minute longer.

"Despite everyone's best efforts to keep her there," Audra frowned and stood up. "Can I get you anything Doctor?"

"No, thank you Audra," Merar smiled. "If you would just give us a moment," I will check her stitches quickly."

"Certainly," Audra smiled and nodded to Silas. "The boys are in the library, I think we should join them Silas."

"Yes Miss Audra," he trailed after her into the library.

"Good as new," Merar smiled and quickly took the stitches out. "How are you feeling?"

"Just fine," Victoria smiled and tucked her blouse back into her skirt. "Can I officially be off bed rest now?"

"I think so," Merar smiled. "I'll head out so you can go tell the family.

"Thank you," she smiled and waited for him to go. She looked up at Tom's portrait above the fire place. She missed him again today. "I'm tired," she whispered to the portrait. "I miss you and I want to be with you, but Tom, these children of ours need me. Don't be angry." She smiled and got up from the sofa. She walked across the foyer and pushed open the library door.

"Mother," Nick scolded. "Where is Doctor Merar?"

"He is gone," Victoria smiled. "He took the stitches out and said I was good as new."

"That's wonderful," Audra hugged her mother.

"I'll go get some champagne to celebrate," Silas smiled and brushed by everyone out the door.

"Great," Jarrod kissed his mother's cheek.

Heath maintained his place next to the fire place. He saw the same thing in his Victoria's eyes that he had seen a week ago. He knew now that she missed his father. He had nearly died himself, more than once, since he found his family. Every time he thought of his mother and how much he longed to see her again. He thought of how he longed to meet his father up in heaven. He knew that deciding to put up a fight to live was an agonizing choice. It must be even harder for Victoria.

"Heath," Victoria broke into his musing as she walked toward him. "Everything ok?"

"Of course," he smiled his famous sideways smile. "I am so glad that you are going to be ok." He took a step toward her and pulled her into a tight embrace.

Victoria squeezed Heath's shoulders as she felt a wave of peace wash over her. He had seen that look again, he must have. Oh, how wonderful that hug felt now.

THE END!


End file.
